


The cool cousin

by The_Hawk_Eye



Category: Silicon Valley (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Internal Conflict, Internalized Homophobia, Kissing, Light Angst, M/M, Resolution, drunk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2021-01-26 21:26:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21380827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Hawk_Eye/pseuds/The_Hawk_Eye
Summary: “Now, you’re the cool cousin.” Gilfoyle breathes against his ear. Dinesh can feel his lips touching his skin. The words hit him strong, and Dinesh has to stop what he is doing under Gilfoyle’s t-shirt to look at him. Why did he have to say something like that? Why does he have to remember his fucking family?
Relationships: Dinesh Chugtai/Bertram Gilfoyle
Kudos: 41





	The cool cousin

**Author's Note:**

> Dinesh is a good character to work with conflicts. I like him but I enjoy making him suffer a little bit.
> 
> English is not my L1 so sorry for the mistakes.

“Now, you’re the cool cousin.” Gilfoyle breathes against his ear. Dinesh can feel his lips touching his skin. The words hit him strong, and Dinesh has to stop what he is doing under Gilfoyle’s t-shirt to look at him. Why did he have to say something like that? Why does he have to remember his fucking family? Why does he have to remind him he has a family with different values and approved lifestyle? Dinesh bites his lower lip and moves.

“Why would you say something like that?” He asks, his voice full of shame and regret. What is wrong with Gilfoyle? “Why would you…?” He can’t finish the question.

Why would he make Dinesh aware of what he is doing right now?

That is what Dinesh wants to ask but doesn’t dare. However, Gilfoyle understands what he is saying. Dinesh can see the understanding in his brown eyes shining.

“Why wouldn’t you want to be aware of what you’re doing?” Gilfoyle deadpans like a robot; acting like only Gilfoyle could act in every fucking moment. He doesn’t care about anything, about Dinesh. “Do you want to be repressed all your fucking life?” He questions Dinesh and every word feels like a dagger. Gilfoyle is accusing him; every word and every breath and this tense silence is an accusation because he can’t understand why Dinesh would not be aware of this. Dinesh is being a coward and Gilfoyle doesn’t get what the problem is.

Dinesh wants to run. He tries to move but Gilfoyle is grabbing him strong and steady. Dinesh clenches his fists until he feels his nails digging into his skin. He needs to get out of here. He really needs to… hide from Gilfoyle but he can’t move. Gilfoyle seems decided to make him accept what is happening between right now even though Dinesh is obviously not ready for that.

“Is it because it’s different in Pakistan?” Gilfoyle’s flat tone doesn’t hide the mockery of his words. And Dinesh almost screams that yes, yes, yes… it is because it is different in Pakistan, but he freezes before he opens his mouth. He can’t say that. Saying those words would be an admission and he can’t do that. He can’t admit anything.

“Let me go.” He begs. Dinesh needs to go. He is not ready for this. “Let me go.” He repeats but Gilfoyle doesn’t free him. Dinesh can feel his fingers through the fabric, it is terrifying. “Please let me go.”

“You want this.” Gilfoyle insists and closes a bit the distance between them. Dinesh moves his head to both sides. “You’ve wanted this for a long time.” He is right but Dinesh can’t accept that… this. He can almost feel his lips again against his, he needs to stop this. He can’t do it. He can’t. Dinesh presses his lips together and moves his head away. “Don’t be a coward.” But he is and Gilfoyle knows it.

“Don’t touch me.” Dinesh finds the strengths to push Gilfoyle with his fists still closed. “You fucking asshole.” He shouts moving his arms, now that he has them free. It is the only thing he can say that feels safe since it is what he normally calls him. “Fucking moron.” He keeps insulting and his voice sounds too high and annoying even for him. He steps back.

“Is this what you really want?” Gilfoyle asks still not understanding what is happening inside Dinesh’s mind.

No, Dinesh wants to scream, this is not what I fucking want. I want to be free and I want to feel fine and not terrified. Dinesh opens his mouth but no words come out, not even a sound. Gilfoyle crosses his arms with a challenging posture that intimidates Dinesh who feels small in front of him. He steps back to the door. Dinesh grits his teeth and gulps.

“Why would you say that?” It is all he can say before turning around to leave the room. For a second, Dinesh wants Gilfoyle to stop him but he never comes after him. Dinesh is disappointed but happy about that. He goes to his room and throws himself in the bed. He needs more alcohol running through his veins but he is scared to go out and find Gilfoyle in the kitchen with the same idea. Why would he say that? The question echoes in his mind.

Dinesh avoids Gilfoyle the next day. He can't look at him. He can't bear the shame of looking at him with his judgemental eyes fixed on him. Dinesh can't... Dinesh goes to work early and sits on his table in complete silence. His eyes on the screen at all times, incapable of exposing himself to see Gilfoyle. Dinesh ignores Gabe and anyone who goes to his table to talk with him. He stands up to go to the bathroom and, after, to get a coffee. He survives the first day and goes home decided to have this going as long as possible. He needs distance with Gilfoyle. He needs to forget this, deny that he kissed Gilfoyle.

The next day, he does exactly the same and sits quietly in his chair. People pass next to him and Dinesh is scared to death that one those people can be Gilfoyle, but he doesn't come closer and Dinesh relaxes a little bit. His back hurts because of all the tension and he has cramps in his fingers. Nonetheless, he doesn't stop. Works help him to relax and to think about anything, not Gilfoyle related. He can do this. He has been doing this all his life. Suddenly, he senses Gilfoyle. He can feel him behind and Dinesh jumps in his chair like a spring. He stands up and turns with his arms in front of him like they are a shield.

"Don't touch me." He shouts in the middle of the office almost choking. Dinesh is looking at the ground but he can feel everybody's eyes on him. There is no one tipping right now or talking. All the office is observing them in complete silence. Dinesh dares to move his head to focus on Gilfoyle whose big eyes are shining with confusion even though his facial expression hasn't changed at all. Dinesh takes a deep breath in a failed attempt to calm himself down. He hears some steps coming closer. He looks at their direction and finds Richard and the woman from Human Resources.

This is bad. This is going to have consequences.

"Is there a problem here?" She asks with a steady voice. Dinesh wants to say something but he can't. He doesn't know what to say to ease the situation.

"Don't worry." Richard says with trembling voice. "I've dealt with them before." He has never dealt with them really. Elrich was the one solving problems in the house with them until Jared came along. Richard never knows what is happening between them. Dinesh misses Jared who would know what to do, unlike Richard who knows shit about solving their problems.

Dinesh looks at the woman. She could actually do something. He has seen her in action. Dinesh has seen her manipulating Gilfoyle. She could fix this situation. Dinesh thinks about going with her. If he goes, Gilfoyle will follow him with no doubt. Gilfoyle must have the same interest as him to go with Richard. Nonetheless, Dinesh doesn't move. She is smart and has the ability to see through their stupid crap. She could see the problem with a simple look and Dinesh is not ready to talk about that; to let the truth out there. Thus, in the end, he nods and goes with Richard. Gilfoyle sighs behind him with disapproval, Dinesh ignores him.

Richard closes the door and stands awkwardly between them. Dinesh presses his lips together and waits. Richard expects them to start talking which shows how little he knows about them. Dinesh places his eyes briefly on Gilfoyle and then redirect them to the ground. Richard moves nervously for some seconds. This is so sad in so many different levels, that Dinesh doesn't know where to start counting.

"What the fuck man?" Richard explodes finally breaking the thick silence in the room. He tries to say something else but he is too furious for that.

"What the fuck indeed." Gilfoyle says with an apparently flat tone but Dinesh can hear the confusion loud and clear. Dinesh is avoiding looking at Gilfoyle but it is so difficult when he is staring at him.

"What the fuck you too?" Richard exclaims exasperated.

Dinesh realizes he is clenching and unclenching his hands to release the tension. His stomach is twitching and his back hurts, it has been hurting for hours. And he is grinding his jaw. Dinesh is unable to breathe. He needs to get out of there. What is he doing there? There is no enough air for him there.

"I sent this moron an urgent email this morning but he didn't open it, therefore, I went to tell him there was a problem with his shitty code." Gilfoyle explaining and Dinesh feels worse. This shouldn't be happening.

What has he done?

What was he thinking when he kissed Gilfoyle?

He has been running from this his whole life.

Dinesh has known what would happen if he...

He looks at Gilfoyle who seems content with himself. This is his fault.

"Don't bullshit me." Richard cuts him too angry to be able to articulate himself clearly. "This is because of some stupid shit... between the two of you." Maybe he has been paying a bit of attention but it is not enough. "I need you to get your shit together. We are in the middle of a fucking crisis for fuck sake and I need the two of you to... work... to do... I don't know how exactly this..." Richard says pointing at the two of them. "Works but... I need you to cut the shit now."

Dinesh can't take it anymore. He needs air. He is suffocating in that big and sunny room. He screams at Richard and Gilfoyle and leaves running the building. He doesn't take his things, he just leaves.

This is his fault.

The last time everything was better for him since the distance had grown between them but with the trial and the happiness of being rich in the immediate future; they had come closer again which was a huge mistake and Dinesh knew it. And then, Colin and Maximo happened, and they started talking again to shit on Richard like in the old times... Mixing nostalgia and alcohol is never a good idea. And now he has to face what he is, what he has done, what he really wants and what the price is for that.

Dinesh only has his wallet, thus, the only logical thing to do is to enter a pub and drink. He only wants to get drunk and stop thinking. After the first drink, he can breathe again. Three drinks later, his body doesn't hurt anymore and feels light. It is an amazing sensation. Therefore, he keeps drinking. Dinesh ignores his mobile that is vibrating from time to time. It could be something important but this is important too.

At some point, he is inside an Uber completely wasted mumbling things that doesn’t make sense. He is not sure where he is going because he can’t remember what he said two seconds ago. When they arrived at the place he said, the driver helps him to get out of the car and Dinesh sees the ugly house in front of him He closes his eyes and falls to the ground.

“Fuck me…” He mumbles. He feels the grass in his face but doesn’t move. He doesn’t have the strength to do it.

“What are you doing here?” Dinesh looks at the person talking to him. “Are you alright?”

“Jared…” Dinesh wants to say something sarcastic and hurtful, but his tongue is numb and he is unable to think about anything coherent. “Fuck you.” Jared laughs.

“I’ve missed our friendly banters.” Jared says trying to help him to stand up but Dinesh doesn’t make things easier for him, but at the end, Jared gets him inside the house to Dinesh’s surprise how realized how strong Jared is. “Should I call Gilfoyle?”

“No!!” Dinesh says unable to stand up.

“Oh…” Jared looks at him. “Did something happen?” Dinesh moves his head to both sides. Nothing happened and that is the worst part. He is feeling guilty for something he hasn’t done. Why did Gilfoyle say that? He could have said it the next morning and Dinesh would feel guilty but, at least, he would have been sure that that was worth it. “Do you need to talk?” Dinesh hasn’t answered yet when Jared leaves the room and comes back seconds later with a glass of water.

“What are you doing here?” Dinesh asks after drinking the water.

“We’re making magic.” He smiles. “I’m helping to sell an idea.” He explains. It makes sense.

“We are so fucked without you.” Dinesh says. He doesn’t want to make him feel guilty. Dinesh likes Jared and genuinely misses him at Pied Piper.

“I’m not coming back.”

“You’re a smart motherfucker.” It is a compliment. Jared brings him more water and Dinesh is grateful for that. Jared is always when needed. “I need to go to Pied Piper.”

“Why? It’s four in the morning.”

“I have my car there.” Dinesh answers. “I can sleep a couple of hours and then go home, take a shower…” It sounds exhausting but Dinesh doesn’t regret the words. It is what he needs to do.

“I can give you a lift.” Jared offers. Dinesh nods and they go to his car. “What happened with Gilfoyle”

“Nothing.” He answers honestly.

“And is that the problem?”

“I guess so.” Talking with Jared has always been easy. He never judges or says anything intrusive or tasteless. And Dinesh is still too drunk.

“You should do something.” Jared doesn’t say what but the words linger in the air and Dinesh understand.

“I should.” He accepts. “I’m going to feel bad anyway, so I should have a real reason.”

“Don’t say that.”

But it is true, Dinesh thinks. He is going to feel bad and Gilfoyle is going to get tired of his bullshit, but it will be worth it. A dream comes true. The spend the rest of the time in silence. When they stop in the building, Dinesh feels better.

“Good luck.” He says to Jared.

“Good luck.” Jared waves goodbye before leaving him.

Dinesh feels much better now. He enters the building. Being one of the creators has his advantages and this is one of them, he can enter whenever he wants. Dinesh takes his stuff from the table. Nobody has touched anything, probably because they have been waiting for him to come back and collect it. Dinesh doesn't think too much about what that means. He goes to his car next and sits in the driver's seat but doesn't start the car. He looks at his phone, he can sleep a little bit and then drive back home to have a shower and reappear late in the office. Richard will be mad at him but grateful for him being there. He sets the alarm and avoids checking calls and messages.

Dinesh closes his eyes and, he doesn't know why he feels better. Deciding to act on his feelings has felt freeing. It is better to disappoint only one part of his life and not to be in constant pain because he can't be who he actually wants in neither sense: to Gilfoyle and his family. This is the best. No more fantasies... well, no more fantasies if Gilfoyle allows him.

No more cool cousin.

He is about to fall asleep when he hears a knock on the window that startles him. Dinesh opens his eyes to found Gilfoyle.

“You can’t commit suicide inside an electric car.”

“Fuck…” Dinesh sighs and opens the door of the vehicle. “Jared told you.”

"He called me after he left you here." Dinesh wants to be mad at Jared but he can't. He has been too nice with him bringing him glass of water after glass of water. If Dinesh is not dying right now is because of that. "Get out of the car." Dinesh wants to fight a little bit but he can't, doesn't have the energy for that. Gilfoyle opens the door but doesn't drag him out. He doesn't try to touch him even. They stay like that for several seconds. None of them dares to move yet and this worries Dinesh. Gilfoyle is not delicate by nature. Is this because of Richard? Or because of Dinesh? It doesn't feel right.

It feels forced. Dinesh wants to throw out suddenly. He moves and falls on his knees. He is being pathetic, crawling to the corner to puke.

"How much did you have?" Gilfoyle asks. There is no mockery in his words and Dinesh is grateful for that.

"I just want to sleep." He complains. "The bartender gave me something and promised me I'd forget about everything but... it didn't work." Dinesh looks at Gilfoyle, he actually feels much better now that is stomach is empty. "And I just want to die now."

"As I said, electric cars are not good to commit suicide." It is a tasteless joke, but Dinesh smiles. He loves the familiarity of what is happening.

"Fuck you, Gilfoyle." Dinesh mumbles and extends his arm so Gilfoyle can take it to help him to stand up.

"What has changed?" Gilfoyle asks without touching him. Nothing has changed, but everything is different. Dinesh sighs exasperated and decides to lay down on the ground. He can’t stand up without help.

"Nothing." After the words come out, Gilfoyle decides to help him. It is absurd but Dinesh doesn't complain. He feels Gilfoyle's fingers on his skin and it burns. His lips beat at the memory of the kiss.

"I shouldn't have pushed you." Gilfoyle starts talking but after that, he shouts his mouth and puts Dinesh in the co-pilot seat of his own car.

"Is that your apology?"

"I am not apologising. I am stating a fact." He replies. Dinesh rolls eyes and regrets it immediately since he gets dizzy again. This is the only way he can sincerely apologise to other human being and Dinesh is going to take it without complaining. "I'm going to drive you home." Gilfoyle informs him. "And I'll tell Richard you are alive but too hungover to work." Dinesh nods. This is fine. Things are fine.

"Thanks."

"What has changed?" Gilfoyle repeats the question while driving.

"Nothing." It is the truth and Dinesh is not in the mood to explain what is happening inside his mind. Gilfoyle doesn't deserve it. After that, they don’t talk anymore. Gilfoyle parks the car in another street. “What are you doing?”

“Richard won’t know you’re home.”

“Is he sleeping?” He is surprised. Dinesh doesn’t need Gilfoyle to tell him he was awake because he can see the slight dark circles under his big eyes. Gilfoyle was a bit worried after leaving like that which is normal because the situation was weird and his reaction a bit extreme. And Dinesh was hoping Richard would be waiting for him too, no in his bed. “What an asshole.”

“What an asshole indeed.” Gilfoyle nods.

“His CTO disappears and he goes to bed… Richard is a real douchebag.” He says before they enter the house. Dinesh goes to his bed and doesn't hit anything during his clumsy walk under Gilfoyle's eyes. The fucker must be laughing right now and enjoying the situation. "You could help."

"So, I smell like a liquor store full of drunken men? No." He answers behind him. He doesn't help him but makes sure Dinesh ends in the bed and not in the ground again. Dinesh closes his eyes and falls asleep almost immediately.

Hours later when he opens his eyes, he realizes he is not in his bed. This is not his room. He went to Gilfoyle's room for some reason and the asshole let him do that. Dinesh sighs and moves slowly. He has nausea, but his head is not killing him thanks to Jared and his glasses of water.

This could be worse, he thinks. He ends drinking coffee in the dark. He closes all the windows and makes sure there is no possible way for the sun to pass inside the house. After a while, he decides is a good time to check his phone.

He has too many calls from Richard to even count them. Some from Gilfoyle. Even fucking Gabe has called him and he finds a missed call from Jared and a message hoping he is ok. Dinesh decides to answer him, the man deserves to know but ignores the rest.

He thinks about the last three days and the decisions he has made; kissing Gilfoyle, avoiding Gilfoyle and getting drunk. It is fine. It could have been worse. Richard must be so fucking pissed... it is a pity he hasn't been able to see his face when Gilfoyle has told him everything was solved between them and that Dinesh is actually sleeping nicely in the house. What a shame.

Dinesh tries to open his laptop but the moment he sees three letters together he feels sick again. Therefore, he decides to lay on the sofa and wait while watching some stupid videos from YouTube.

What should he do when Gilfoyle comes home? What is he waiting from him? He came for him and brought him home, so probably he wants something from him. Gilfoyle still wants to fuck which is good. Dinesh is sick of the craving inside him. The desperate and constant hunger for tasting his lips, lusting always for his body. Dinesh is sick of feeling guilty for wanting to touch a male body. He is tired of fighting against what he is just because he wants to fulfil the desires of his family when he knows he will never be able to do so. He is not the cool cousin anymore.

After accepting that fact, Dinesh takes a shower and gets dressed. He is ready for whatever the fuck happens. He has a couple of hours to relax in the house and he feels better, thus, he eats something. Since Elrich disappeared there are always yoghurts in the house because they keep buying them for some reason.

Dinesh is I'm the sofa when he hears the door. He watches the time, it is early. He runs to Gilfoyle's room since it is the best place for him to be. If it is Richard, he won't think about going there to find him and if it is Gilfoyle, it will be the first place he will go. He pays attention to the door and, after some seconds, sees Gilfoyle.

"I come early to avoid Richard." He explains and Dinesh understands what he means. "Richard is not happy. I think he actually believes I've killed you or something." It makes sense. "To put you out of your misery." Gilfoyle adds unnecessarily. He sighs then and it looks like he is trying to convince himself of something. "You're here." He states and Dinesh knows what those words mean.

Dinesh is not good with words when he is under pressure and alcohol is not running through his veins to help him. He stands up and goes to Gilfoyle. He touches his arm as a way to test the water between them. The other doesn't do anything, he doesn't stop Dinesh or makes anything to invite him to continue. Thus, Dinesh decides to see it as an invitation to kiss him. Dinesh gives Gilfoyle enough time to move if he wants but Gilfoyle doesn't do anything. Therefore, their lips collide in a deep and hungry kiss.

This is what he wants.

He trembles when he feels Gilfoyle's hand grabbing his arms. However, Gilfoyle does something Dinesh wasn't expecting and a second later Gilfoyle has broken the kiss and he is looking at Dinesh serious.

“Can I touch you?” Gilfoyle asks and Dinesh knows almost immediately what he is doing.

“I’m the one kissing you.”

“The other night you were the one kissing me too...” He doesn't need to finish the sentence to say what he wants to say.

“Ok, is this the way you act when you are about to… have sex?” Dinesh is confused with Gilfoyle who is talking too much and ruining this for them. “You said some stupid shit in the wrong moment.” Dinesh decides to explain. “Who wants to think about their traditional family when kissing a man?” He asks and the question sounds right and logical. “And now, you want me to remember the incident, thereby, you’re reminding me about my fucking family again.” He squeals a bit enraged. “What is wrong with you?”

Gilfoyle blinks and he looks like a moron who doesn’t understand something painfully obvious for Dinesh who wants to punch him in the face. What the fuck is wrong with him? He just had a crisis and he is ready to have what he has wished for so long... And Gilfoyle is ruining the moment by using his mouth in the wrong way. Dinesh takes a deep breath.

"What the fuck are you doing?" He shouts. This is not what he had in mind but the words just come out. "What the fuck is wrong with you? Why do you keep mentioning my damn family?" That is a disturbing thing to do in a moment like this one. "I'm here. I'm here kissing you. What do you need?" Dinesh keeps asking. "Do you want me to have another fucking crisis? Is that what you want?" It is sad but it is a possibility with Gilfoyle. "You want me to have another crisis?" He repeats the question, his mind is working fast and with no control. "Is this a joke? Is this what you find funny now?"

Dinesh is being unfair now but he can't think straight at the moment. Gilfoyle doesn't understand what this means for him. Dinesh is accepting who he is and that means losing everything else he could have been if he would have kept insisting on denying his desires. He is losing his family with every kiss and touch. He is making a big choice right now and Gilfoyle doesn't understand it but this is huge for him. "If this is a fucking joke..." Dinesh doesn't finish the sentence, he realizes he doesn't care.

If this is a joke, he wins.

He wins. Dinesh can be complete now. Dinesh is allowing himself to be complete after years of denial and suffering. He has won. Dinesh is free now to do whatever the fuck he wants without worrying about anyone else. He is not going to feel guilty for yearning to touch the wrong person because there is no wrong person anymore. He is free. This has made him free and he feels so damn great.

"You know what?" He starts saying moving his arms to highlight his words. "I don't care if this is a fucking joke. I don't give a damn. I win this time." He screams pointing with his finger to Gilfoyle. "I won. I'm the one winning this time." He repeats pointing to his chest now. "So, fuck you."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course, I'm sure I'm not the fucking loser if this is a joke. So just tell me, is this a fucking joke to you?" And the moment he closes his mouth, he sees it. It is shining on Gilfoyle's brown eyes. He is afraid. He is terrified of this. Dinesh should feel a bit sorry for him or guilty but he doesn't. Gilfoyle deserves it. He deserves the terror of not knowing, of not having what he wants. Gilfoyle has never done things easy for Dinesh, therefore, Dinesh is not going to show any mercy. He deserves that unknown feeling eating him alive.

Gilfoyle doesn't answer but Dinesh doesn't need his stupid answer. He has it already. He lengthens the moments and lets him suffer before grabbing the neck of his t-shirt to push him and kiss him hard. It feels amazing, almost magical.

This is what he wants.

This is what they both want.

**Author's Note:**

> This is all for now. I hope you enjoyed the fic.
> 
> Comments and kudos will be welcomed always!!


End file.
